Share This!

My parents were smoking hot. Headed to prom.

I rummaged through my mom’s closet full of pictures and scored my parent’s wedding album. It’s a glimpse at the past and an explanation as to why I’m a little left of center.

Apparently in 1971 you left out note cards and bridal shower guests wrote their words of wisdom that were sure to guide you to a life long marriage full of bliss. Obviously this was all pre pinterest or she wouldn’t have been caught dead with plain, standard issued note cards. Pinterest brides everywhere are crumbling into a pile of glitter and tears.

The first order of business was to get your day planner filled with important dates… and by day planner I mean a piece of construction paper that you’ve patiently drawn super straight lines on with a ruler and a marker. Tape your homemade, nonpinterest inspired calendar to the wall with tan tape and you’re on the road to calling yourself a legit wedding planner.

Wedding 7:30 *. The asterisk is vital here, after all it is the BIG day.

And what the fudge is yeastmeat on the 1st? I gagged a little when I read it.  Even my mom didn’t know, she was questioning all things yeastmeat. I freaking googled YEASTMEAT!

(Wait, just called my mom. It’s apartment, not yeastmeat. Thank God.)

When planning your wedding a budget is crucial. Obviously there was no room in my parent’s budget for a real calendar, too much money set aside for yeastmeat.

Next step is to sit back and read all of that important marriage advice doled out by the experts themselves…the brides maids.

“Try to organize the work.

Do the same things each day or each week.

Take the no-iron shirts out of the dryer and immediately hang them up.

Do not lose your identity BUT be a loving couple.”

I think we can all agree on the message here. Get it together Stepford Wife and have that house cleaned before he gets home! Cut some corners with those no-iron shirts and don’t allow any room for spontaneity. Spontaneity will kill the marriage, especially if it gets in the way of your cleaning schedule. Oh ya, and be a loving couple, there’s always that.

I love my grandma but her daily cleaning scheduled gene did not get passed down. I thought ironing was when you shook the clothes really really hard in hopes they magically became wrinkle free.  Anyone else?

“Dust under the rug. Dirty dishes in the oven. Dirty laundry in the washing machine. Ironing in the laundry basket.

Just be sure you look your greatest all the time. “

Jerry, Jerry , Jerry.

Jerry had me there for a second. I almost got a phone book and tried to look her up to thank her. Yes, a phone book because that’s where you can find Jerry. I was on my way to hang this one up on my husband’s bathroom mirror and then, WHAT? Did she say to make sure you look your greatest at all times?

Bye Jerry.

You can kiss my dirty dishes, Jerry.

“Run your own life.

Discuss all your little problems before they become large ones.”

I stopped reading after “run your own life”, agreed with Kasha and moved on to the next card.

Thanks Kasha, you’re my favorite.

Who runs the world?

Kasha, obviously.

“Pour the greese out of frying pan – before you scramble eggs-“

I have a feeling Jackie speaks from experience here. On top of that it’s pretty solid advice but please don’t send me (or Jackie) hate mail because she didn’t specify not to pour it down the drain and something about compost or saving the planet or whatever. Jackie and I are rebels and we’ll pour our grease out where ever we want, as long as our husbands eggs are perfectly cooked.

Jackie has been married for 45 years so she clearly has some incredible insight and rules at making scrambled eggs.

“you needs lots of books in your library. And a big pot to put his oatmeal in. “

Jenny has a secret, she knows something the rest of us don’t. Are those books on marriage or just random books. Does it even matter? Can they be murder mysteries or is that bad for your marriage. I need more here, Jenny!!!! Don’t leave me hanging like this! Are we talking self-help books. For the love of all things matrimonial, we need more information.

Is my marriage only going to survive if we add a library to our home. Who the hell has a library in their home!?

What size pot exactly? Jenny, help us! How much oatmeal is my spouse going to consume in one sitting.  Is marriage really worth it in the end if you must have that many books and that big of a pot,it sounds exhausting!.

Jenny makes me question everything about my marriage.

Jenny is at home right now with her smart, fat, super happy husband while mine is starving.

Oh Jenny, wise beyond your years.

So there you have it. It’s pretty simple actually. Just clean, look good all the time, cook oatmeal in bulk, read a lot of freaking books, ease up on the grease in your eggs, and run your own life. You’re guaranteed a solid marriage. These priceless note-cards were shoved in the pocket of my parent’s album. Not a single one of them was “laminated” with matte finish mod podge or had a Champagne and cream-colored ribbon twisted around it. I’m pretty sure they weren’t showcased in a mason jar tied with hemp rope and a rustic iron heart dangling from the rim. They weren’t written with a special glitter pen in a font that was downloaded from a free printable font site. Not a single woman posted her notecards on instagram. They all just sat down, grab the notecard that was purchased at WINNS and scribbled their best marriage advice with a Bic pen. In a shocking twist, my parent’s marriage didn’t make it. I think it was due to greasy eggs, not enough oatmeal and the dusting getting done on Friday instead of Tuesday like the freaking scheduled said. But my parents were cool. There was a time when the rocked being a team. Even though my grandma was on to something when she advised not to lose your identity and be a loving couple, my dad couldn’t hack it. So my mom took Kasha’s advice and ran her own dang life. Way back when, my parent’s totally ruled.

She’s so full of sass and his mullet is one for the books.


Let’s just all admit that we would kill for those dresses.


Guess who’s parents LOVE Halloween.


First of all, my parent’s graduated from high school in 1969 so lets just move on from that. Then there’s my dad randomly hugging a shot gun and my great grandma in the woods, in a dress! If there’s ever been any question about how redneck my family is, well….. here ya go.

Share This!